I'm so out of the I-Bop-Mizzle loop

When you have to hear about events your company is hosting from people working in competing firms...

Something in the process has gone wrong.

This conversation makes no sense and ends abruptly (c)

You shouldn't have to try, it should just come naturally.

Bullshit.

You shouldn't have to force things. It's like trying to hold on to a bar of soap; the tighter you squeeze the more likely it'll slip from your grasp... or distort to some deformed gobledigook.

Not trying and not forcing things is two completely separate issues.

If it doesn't come about naturally, then it's not meant to be.

What, like how electricity, modern medicine, and unearthing ancient fossils 'naturally' came about without anybody trying?

That's different...

That's right. It IS different. Those things were discovered. It wasn't something fake or manufactured that somebody tried to force feed to an unreceptive audience. It was real.

I don't really see where you're going with this...

All these things were there all along, lurking under the surface, even if nobody realized it. Just waiting to be discovered, waiting to be tapped, waiting to be released. But before any of that could happen, certain people needed to try.

This isn't something you can try to apply your logic to. When it concerns the heart, it's irrational, by it's very definition defying logic. Logic doesn't work.

Then why are you trying to put logic to it by attaching a rule that, "If it doesn't come about naturally, then it's not meant to be"? THAT is trying to make sense of it, as well. THAT is trying to apply logic to the situation. And if what you say is true, logic doesn't work.

You're twisting my words...

Well... you're twisting my heart...

That's not what I'm trying to do...

Some things happen without trying, it just happens naturally.

. . .

Which is why, sometimes, you really do need to try.

Because if you don't, you can unintentionally allow things to happen that you don't want to happen.

And you can also miss out great things... miss uncovering something amazing that maybe you weren't even sure was there in the first place.

...and have you been trying?

Moving on...

... up into a Yaletown condo.

While emptying out my room at the 'rents, I came across some old keepsakes that survived the shoebox fire.

Clicky-dee-clickity-click.

--
Now for more of that ambiguously worded deliberation.

"Restlessness is discontent and discontent is the first necessity of progress. Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a failure." -- Thomas Edison

I've been restless; I've been discontent. I'm not sure it leads to progress.

“If we resist our passions, it is more through their weakness than from our strength”
-- François de la Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

What is my passion? I'm sure I've tried to answer this question before.

--

Looking back: Sept 14.

Who knew that would happen? Quiet you, put your hand down.

Textured patterns.

ob·ses·sion
n.

1. Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety.
2. A compulsive, often unreasonable idea or emotion.

--

Unwanted? The very opposite actually.
Unreasonable? Depends. It's only ~$200 / square foot... times 48 square feet...

Tarnation!

On the edge of a pseudo-epiphany?

Maybe not.
[hidden] I've lost it. How did that happen? Leads one to wonder if you ever had it or if it was just fallout from a gigantic ego. [/hidden]

What would I look like if I were...

faces_horizontal, originally uploaded by Bruce Nguyen.

Top row: Caucasian // West Asian // Afro Carribean // Female // Drunk
Middle row: Baby // Child // Original (East Asian, Young Adult) // Teenager // Older Adult
Bottom row: Drawn by Modigliani // Drawn by Botticelli // Drawn by El Greco // Anime style // Ape-man

--

I don't think I look too keen as a Black guy, but White, Brown, or Oriental? Damn, I'm sexy! ;)

Upload a photo to Perception Laboratory's Face Transformer and see how you might look if you were another race, another species, another gender, etc.

The un-doctored image is centre. Click on the image above to view my Flickr page where each individual transformation is described.

If you have a Flickr account, you can also log in to view larger and more detailed versions of the above picture (click on the "All Sizes" button for this picture after you log in.) The full size original version is 1500 x 1200.

Or you can click here for a larger not quite so huge version of the picture.

Thanks Kare, for posting the Face Transformer so I could steal it from you.

Curse of my heritage

So late in the afternoon I find out the Practice Lead for Western Canada for my division is in town today but is leaving on a plane at 7pm. Naturally I somehow navigate my way into grabbing a quick bite to eat with him before he has to leave town.

Get offered a beer.

I accept.

Bruce + Beer + no Pepcid AC on hand + working meal = Well... fuck!

Stupid Asian flush.

Annoyed; figured out why.

An epiphany woke me at 5am.

As I madly tried to transcribe it, the torrential blast of words I so clearly pictured in my mind poured out of me quicker than I could keep up with. As the clouds of conviction dissipated, all I was left with was a haphazardly collected pool of half-finished thoughts and roughly worded concepts.

Something about socially constructed gender roles, incongruency of actions and thought, and idealistic but obviously misguided justifications and interpretations.

While the entire stream of thought that flowed to this conclusion is incomprehensibly lost now, I do have the end result clear in mind. And maybe, that's the most important part.
[hidden]
The root of this annoyance ball that's found haven inside me this last week?
It's not you, it's me.
Seriously.
And the part that annoys me the most? It's that I'm seriously considering not doing anything about it
[/hidden]
There are few people in the world that can irritate me more than myself.

It's not gonna happen... Get over it!

No matter how much I want it to happen... and I do want it to happen, I really do... it's not.

I think I'm just going to have to come to terms with it. It's been on my mind for months now... I'll discuss it with people and while some have chimed in with rounds of, "Go for it! Take the risk!"... I can't. I won't.

Not again.

Whenever I get close to making up my mind and taking that leap, all of a sudden I'll be infected with a form of Blue Car Syndrome. I'll start to notice guys all around me that seem to have made the exact same choice that I'm considering... Seeing their results convinces me that following though with this choice would be mistake.

A huge mistake.

Stupid Asian genes.

Why can't I grow a nice looking goatee?
[hidden] Bet you thought I was going to take a different route didn't you? Well, being predictable was never a talent of mine that I liked to indulge. [/hidden]

Silly Gooses

Umm... "Geese"?

No, it's "Gooses".
[hidden] Multiple plural, individual plural; I think I'm so clever. [/hidden]

Stop being a drama king.

Had a nice day today. But on the drive home felt frustrated as hell. Drove recklessly at 130+ kmph while just barely avoiding the urge to smash my car into something... anything. Fuck, am I annoyed at me or at you? I have no fucking idea.

Spread em!

Yes, I have this weird fascination with data exploration, extraction, and infographics.

Is it wrong that seeing the following two links gave me shivers down my spine?

Lightweight data exploration in Excel


More on Excel in-cell graphing


In line Gantt charts!


And what started this foray back into excel and spreadsheets?

Why, dicking around with Google Spreadsheets of course! (Collaborative moving itinerary and budget, woo!)

PS: Ooh... iRows!

Acronyms

IINL;
IIA

No, I won't be playing charades with you.
[hidden] It'll be more like a lame version of '20 Questions' [hidden]

--

On an unrelated note... well, a not-directly-related note at least, my best man speech outline was as follows:

1. Living in shadow
2. Meeting the future bride
3. Wishing you happy smells

Seriously

You people give the worst advice in the world. I need another me to take advice from.

A couple of scrapes and bruises is fine. Through adversity do we grow, and through experience and 'failure' do we quickly learn.

Experiencing success reinforces current habits.
Experiencing loss can promote change, but only if the loss is accepted as a progressive step.
It is argued that skewed distributions of successes or perceived successes in ratio to setbacks and losses will lead to stagnation of mind and spirit.

Stagnation.

It has a weird smell.

[hidden] Yes, I had nothing to do at work today. [/hidden]

Word of advice (c)

I can't believe you're doing this.

It's something I think I should do, so that's what I'm doing... It's the right thing.

Dude, you shouldn't make decisions when you're depressed. It's like making decisions when you're drunk.

Meaning it'll be fun?

No. Meaning it'll seem right at the time but when your head clears, you'll realize that your pants are missing and you're wearing your underwear on your head.

Right... so like I said; fun.

No, buddy, I'm saying you're using your head like your ass. It's full of crap right now and that's all that's coming out of it.

It's not crap, it's fertilizer. Maybe my asshead is a fertile ground for good decisions.

Not in this case. Buddy, I'm telling you, it's not too late to turn back. Stop this lunacy now.

You're calling me crazy...

Dude, there's a difference between condemning the person and condemning the action. This action path that you've started...

Maybe I am crazy... and this is the only way to clear my head. The only way for me to move on. I can't take these constant reminders and memory triggers... it all has to go.

You're hopeless.

Not hopeless; depressed. Actually... I suppose having no hope ties into that.

Dude...

Keep Your Fork

Keep reading until the end. Then smile. -B

The following is a shortstory titled "Keep Your Fork", written by Roger William Thomas, published in A 3rd Serving of Chicken Soup for the Soul, Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen

--

The sound of Martha's voice on the other end of the telephone always brought a smile to Brother Jim's face. She was not only one of the oldest members of the congregation, but one of the most faithful. Aunt Martie, as all the children called her, just seemed to ooze faith, hope and love wherever she went.

This time, however, there seemed to be an unusual tone to her words. "Preacher, could you stop by this afternoon? I need to talk with you."

"Of course. I'll be there around three, Is that okay?"

As they sat facing each other in the quiet of her small living room, Jim learned the reason for what he sensed in her voice. Martha shared the news that her doctor had just discovered a previously undetected tumor.

"He says I probably have six months to live." Martha's words were certainly serious, yet there was a definite calm about her.

"I'm so sorry to . . . " but before Jim could finish, Martha interrupted.

"Don't be. The Lord has been good. I have lived a long life. I'm ready to go. You know that."

"I know," Jim whispered with a reassuring nod.

"But I do want to talk with you about my funeral. I have been thinking about it, and there are things that I know I want."

The two talked quietly for a long time. They talked about Martha's favorite hymns, the passages of Scripture that had meant so much to her through the years, and the many memories they shared from the five years Jim had been with Central Church.

When it seemed that they had covered just about everything, Aunt Martie paused, looked up at Jim with a twinkle in her eye, and then added, "One more thing, preacher. When they bury me, I want my old Bible in one hand and a fork in the other."

"A fork?" Jim was sure he had heard everything, but this caught him by surprise. "Why do you want to be buried with a fork?"

"I have been thinking about all of the church dinners and banquets that I attended through the years," she explained. "I couldn't begin to count them all. But one thing sticks in my mind.

"At those really nice get-togethers, when the meal was almost finished, a server or maybe the hostess would come by to collect the dirty dishes. I can hear the words now. Sometimes, at the best ones, somebody would lean over my shoulder and
whisper, `You can keep your fork.' And do you know what that meant? Dessert was coming!

"It didn't mean a cup of Jell-O or pudding or even a dish of ice cream. You don't need a fork for that. It meant the good stuff, like chocolate cake or cherry pie! When they told me I could keep my fork, I knew the best was yet to come!

"That's exactly what I want people to talk about at my funeral. Oh, they can talk about all the good times we had together. That would be nice.

"But when they walk by my casket and look at my pretty blue dress, I want them to turn to one another and say, `Why the fork?'

"That's what I want you to say. I want you to tell them that I kept my fork because the best is yet to come."

I am

ludacris motion cougar

Week 30, 2006 (weekend edition)

Items of note:

• I said a hip, hop, the hippie, the hippie hippie hip hip hop, you don't stop. [/hidden] Misdirection! [/hidden]
  

Quotes:

• On what else would I call you?
  Be: Aww, you called me a 'woman'!
  
  
• On such and such 2
  Na: If we were to ever live together...
  Br: We'd kill each other?
  Na: Yeah.
  
  
• On finding a discrete place to throw stuff away...
  Br: Are you trying to hide a dead body?
  
  
• On joining the club...
  CF: All right, I'm gonna go find my balls and stop being such a chick now.
  
  
• On being part of the club...
  GA: Wow, you have more self control than me.
  CF: Well... it's either that or I have an intense dislike of anything that can make me happy.
  
  
• On going to see Strangers With Candy...
  CF: What if the stranger says he has candy in his black-tinted-windows, nondescript van?
  KH: If he's cute, go for it.
  CF: I fear for your future children's lives.
  

Contemplations:

• I made a promise. [hidden] Stupid fucking promises... [/hidden]
  I forgot about it. [hidden] And what to do seemed so clear... [/hidden]
  I remember it now. [hidden] Stupid fucking memory... [/hidden]
  
  
• A new recipe for life...
  Ingredients: Bruce (1)
  Instructions: Serve as is.
  
  
• Yes, I know; I'm a hypocrite. [hidden] boo-urns [/hidden]
  
  
• I don't want to hear it. [hidden] Yes I do. [/hidden]
  
  
• I'M the fucking king! [hidden] It's quite sad. [/hidden]

Week 30, 2006

Items of note:

• Research weekend coming up.
  
  
• Second last week of Richmond project.
  
  
• Made a plan of action. It's simple, really. [hidden] screw my contemplations... this makes it simpler. [/hidden]
  

Quotes:

• On but they don't know each other...
  BN: "That's the beauty of the system!"
  
  
• On needing to see the fear in his eyes...
  CF: Wow, [stuff and stuff and stuff...] your guy's a lucky man! Well... except for the dream about choking him in his sleep bit.
  JF: No, not in his sleep.
  
  
• On the plan...
  BN: "Just Bruce. Nothing else required in this recipe."
  
  
• On being self analytical...
  BL: "Sounds like you have things figured out..."
  BN: "Yes, avoiding the issue is quite the good plan."
  
  
• On trains, rocketships, and tugboats...
  CF: Are you following along with my conga line of thought?

Paving Roads to Hell

I'm going to Hell.

Why would you say that?

The road to hell is paved with good inventions, isn't it?

Intentions.

Come again?

The saying is 'The road to hell is paved with good intentions', not 'inventions'.

Oh. Well that's a load off of my mind.

Wait a minute, what inventions have YOU created?

Lots. Remember that time at my apartment?

No.

Sure you do.

... no, dude I really don't.

Dude, the 2 chicks, the free beer, the actor invention?

Buddy, that's not an invention; there's a difference between creating things and making shit up.

Really? Well, what do you call a person who does that second thing?

A bloody lier.

Oh... then I'm still going to Hell?

Probably.