Concordantly, you are the eventuality of an anomaly

Does this article scare you as much as it scares me?

The gist is that some R&D group in IBM is charged with "building predictive models of their own colleagues" to optimize their deployment.

Two Three A few quick thoughts:

• This type of analysis relies on a complete, or at least fairly consistent, data set.
  
  
• This encourages the type of work process that requires real-time digitizing of our accomplishments, communications, and relationships
  
  
• I'm all for documentation, but do you have any idea how fucking annoying that would be?
  
  It would be like rewarding that douchebag that always CC's half the office, or the ditz that keeps clicking "Reply To All". You know, SEO and all that jazz.
  
  
• Then again, with the growth and popularity of social networks and smart phones, the possibility of this reality may happen sooner rather than later.
  
  
• The commoditisating of people and use of fuzzy quantified metrics as decision making tools instead of decision support tools leaves me with chills.
  
  
• Here's to hoping Big Blue incorporates a blue pill / red pill option in their grand computer model.

The Consulting Mantra

Now it may be because I'm a bit of a closet hippie, but this concerns me:

Obama opposes Bush endangered species proposal

Yes, I'm concerned how seven of the top ten Google results for endangered species proposal deal with Obama's opposition. Why must every political story revolve around this Magical Negro? And if he is the magical negro in this story, isn't his role to support the other, White, presidential candidate? You know, Paris.

Also of note is how the Bush proposal gives federal agencies the responsibility to evaluate the environmental impact of their own projects. Who needs an independent scientific review? Scientists are nerds.

Apparently this was a great success the last time they tried it:

In 2003, the administration imposed similar rules that ... allowed agencies to approve new pesticides and projects to reduce wildfire risks without asking the opinion of government scientists

... internal reviews by the National Marine Fisheries Service and Fish and Wildlife Service concluded that about half the unilateral evaluations that determined wildfire prevention projects were unlikely to harm protected species were not legally or scientifically valid.

Retrieved 2008/08/20 from
AP IMPACT: Bush to relax protected species rules

Why the change? Efficiency.

In recent years, both federal agencies and developers have complained that the reviews, which can result in changes to projects that better protect species, have delayed work and increased costs.

Maybe the way to decrease delays and have realistic cost projections is by incorporating a valid environmental impact analysis in the initial proposal and design, not brushing said concerns to the side.

Oh, I'm just being silly.

I forgot the Consulting mantra: On-time; on-budget; high-quality. Pick two. Or don't, whatever. Just let me know when my expense account is set up, I'll be at the strip joint next door. Don't worry, I'll ask for a receipt.

paris-hilton-yogen-fruz-frozen-yogurt-0609
Photo Originally uploaded by
pressroom

Two Things

I thoroughly enjoy a freshly cleaned toilet seat.

I thoroughly abhor misused acronyms.

TIA

DIY (Yahoo!) Resignation Letter

http://yahoorezinr.com/

Bookmarked, bitches.

Honeymoon's over, biznitch.

Huh.

That didn't last long.

Dorian, meet Karen; Karen, meet Dorian.

'Karen is awesome and you should hire her and she bakes for her coworkers!'

[14:43] horcubee: hey bruce
[14:43] horcubee: do you have dorian on your IM list?
[14:44] horcubee: i'm interested in this job (which happens to be with his firm) if it is indeed still an open position
[14:44] horcubee: [link removed]
[14:48] horcubee: the posting on craigslist is as of may 8th
[14:49] horcubee: and it sounds very very interesting, as my areas of expertise are in sales / marketing / knowledge management
[14:50] thisisnotbruce: dorian's on facebook
[14:50] thisisnotbruce: just checked his profile... he's about as active on facebook as i am
[14:50] thisisnotbruce: maybe less
[14:50] horcubee: yeah, i noticed that
[14:50] horcubee: thus the msg to you
[14:51] horcubee: and he looks about as active on linkedin as his facebook account
[14:53] horcubee: dorian, albert, and i used to be in a group for one class, i think (can't remember which)
[14:53] horcubee: or maybe i am hallucinating
[14:53] horcubee: but anyway, we were just university acquaintances
[14:53] horcubee: not the type to keep in touch after
[14:55] horcubee: but if you are comfortable in helping me connect with dorian, i'd really appreciate it. would prefer to talk to him as he is the one who's worked with me before
[14:59] thisisnotbruce: he's one of the few with an RSS feed of my blog
[14:59] thisisnotbruce: i'll just make a blog post :P
[14:59] horcubee: :P
[15:00] horcubee: it'd be great if you can ask him on my behalf, perhaps preface it with 'karen is awesome and you should hire her and she bakes for her coworkers!"
[15:00] horcubee: :P
[15:00] horcubee: which is all true
[15:03] thisisnotbruce: damn, now i kind of want to hire you
[15:03] thisisnotbruce: do you do windows and floors?
[15:03] horcubee: i don't get on my hands and knees for just anyone, dear

Web access for lotus notes?

Don't sweat it dude, we'll all be dead by then.

I'm pretty sure we just rebuilt the Y2K bug.

Aww... look how cute he is!

Clarification... kinda

s_t_r_a_w_b_e_r_r_y says (8:27 PM):

eeeew
bruce!

Bruce says (8:35 PM):

metaphors, honey. metaphors

get a bunch of corporate executive suits together and they start jerking each other off trying to impress one another

ultimately people end up trying too hard, becoming giant pricks who don't know how to use their head properly

so you just try to go along with it, hoping it gets better

s_t_r_a_w_b_e_r_r_y says (8:37 PM):

u fake it?!!

Bruce says (8:37 PM):

*shrug*

How to: Group Masterbation

• Step one:
  Everybody sit in a circle.
  
  
• Step two:
  Look to the person at your right.
  
  
• Step three:
  Jerk them off.
  
  Fellows, take note if it's a lady to your right:
  
  The clit?
  
  [Perform peace sign + tongue demonstration]
  
  It's up here.

I loathe corporate practice-wide meetings.

I Know It's Romanticized, But Still...

Before I joined The Big Machine, I did some work for a small consulting group in New Westminster. A lot of our clients were start-ups.

I remember visiting grungy home offices with distinctly persistent smells. One, vanilla incense. Another, curry.

I remember smelly dogs leaping onto my freshly ironed shirts. Except for Sasha. She was rehabilitated from the SPCA and had some issues, but eventually she'd follow me around, tail wagging.

I remember the agony we'd live through trying to find funding. The nighttimes would end up at some random bar, us either staring deep into the bottom of our pints or raising them high in cheer.

But most of all, I remember the smiles.

The smiles of passion when somebody would talk about their dream. Whether revitalising the Vancouver bar scene with East Coast ideas or starting a new West Coast comedy festival to rival Montreal's Just For Laughs.

The smiles of amazement as things take a turn for the better. When after setback after setback, you get that first bit of funding to build that revolutionary water filtering prototype.

The smiles of non-regret when you know you've tried your all. And even though your all may not have worked out as planned, it was one hell of a ride.

Sometimes, I miss those smiles.

They were genuine.

Faith

Ever notice that the only people that panic about a situation are the people that feel they have no control over the situation?

Seriously, calm the fuck down. I've got it covered.

Trust in the Bruce.

It's a Violent Pornography

Got my ass rocked. Because I didn't want to crucify a co-worker, he fucking ass lances me in front of the client and higher ups.

Is Curb gonna have to choke a bitch?

Not my analogy, but it'll suffice

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens and a certificate of completion for the rower.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was "out-sourced" to India ....

I'm Supposed To Be Working But... Part 2

IF: "I think I just need to go to the driving range."
BN: "Good idea. Meet you there."
IF: "What? Aren't you cramming 14 days of work into this weekend?"
BN: "Look, do you want to play or not?"