One, Two, Four!

faith
n.

i·ro·ny
n. pl. i·ro·nies

al·ley
n. pl. al·leys

un·der·stand

v. un·der·stood, un·der·stand·ing, un·der·stands

v.tr.

ja·lop·y
n. pl. ja·lop·ies Informal


nose
n.

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shazbot : (

Insomnia

What do you do when it's 3:30am, you can't sleep, and there's nobody to talk to?

Go for a jog? Draw? Sculpt? Get ahead with work?
Done, done, done, done. What's next?

Cleaning?

Check off the tub, the toilet, the sinks, the tables, the stove, the appliances, the faucets, and I don't do windows or floors.

What's next?

Who wouldn't hate me if I called them at this ungodly hour to discuss the benefits of baking soda and vinegar over off the shelf chemical cocktail cleaners?

I need a pet. A roomba. I can ramble inanely to my pet robo-vacuum in the middle of the night.

The wee hours of the night

Hypothesis: The hours of 3am to 4am do not exist.

Ever wake up to your alarm and think that it can't possibly be right? Or pull an all nighter and find that there just aren't enough hours in the night? Or party all night and be surprised when it's all over so soon?

If you have, that's because you have lost 1 hour of sleep each night. Through careful observation, I have determined that clocks are set to cycle every 23 hours instead of 24 which, after prolonged exposure, has created a sleep-deprived population, ripe for global domination. Now I'm not one to shout conspiracy, but...

"CONSPIRACY"!

Q: But if we lose 1 hour a day, wouldn't we reach a point where 12 noon is the middle of the night? Why then is it always sunny at this time?"

A: By the time you're 5 years old, you've already lost about 3 straight months worth of sleep. This sleep loss is exasperated over time and after so much lost sleep, can you really trust your senses?

Q: But there are night watchmen, people who's very livelihoods revolve around being awake and aware throughout the wee hours of the night; surely they would notice if the clocks lose an hour per night, right?"

A: Need I say it again? CONSPIRACY! Night watchmen lull the populace to sleep under a false sense of security. They also keep a vigil to make sure nobody is the wiser. Besides, night watchmen profit by being paid for an hour's worth of work that they don't have to do (since that hour doesn't really exist). That's a sweet deal, why would they screw themselves over.

It's an elaborate web of deceit expertly spun by watchmakers, night watchmen, and late night infomercial producers.

Q: Infomercial producers?

A: The watchmakers tamper with our clocks, the night watchmen lull the populace to sleep under a false sense of security as well as keep a vigil to make sure nobody is the wiser, and late night infomercials sap the coherent thought out of anybody else who may be awake during the "lost hours".

Q: What about Starbucks and all those other mega-corporations that thrive off of sales of coffee? Where do they fit in?

A: They are fighting the good fight against our evil clock-making oppressors. That there are people who would condemn Starbucks as an evil conglomerate is evidence of the ill-effects of sleep depravity.

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Bottom line: After my trip to Las Vegas, I need more sleep.

Sleep is for the weak!

zzz...