I'm a big kid now!

I'm a one-way sponge.

Wait... wouldn't that be a diaper?

Yes, I'm a friggin' diaper.

Although I'm happy that people feel as if they can confide in me, I seldom return the gesture to the same degree. It's not that I do not want to share, because I really do, but for some reason I keep all this crap sealed up within my being. Commitment and emotional intimacy problems abound, what it all boils down to is that I'm a coward. I've gone to such ends and pushed so many people away mearly to avoid... what? Embarassment? Disappointment? Heartbreak? No, just to avoid the unknown. No, that's not quite accurate. I think it's more to avoid dealing with the unknown. It's not the uncertainty that I'm afraid of, as much as it is the trails I associate with adaptation and change in the face of uncertainty. Who was it that said courage is not the absence of fear, but the will to act in the presence of fear? I am not a courageous person. Deep down I'm a timid, weak, fearful piece of shit. I'm not a diaper, I'm the fucking shit that stains the diaper. I'm the retarded little kid that never attends sleep-overs because he'll be covered in his own shit by sunrise.

I'm a big kid look what I can do, I can wear big kid pants too...

Vegas log book ... part 3

From this point on I stored a bunch of voice notes on my phone instead of scribbling them on pieces of paper. It wasn't until I got back that I realized only half of them were saved since I ran out of memory on my phone. Oh well, here goes:

• Dec 27
  
• 4:36am: Why the hell are you awake and talking to me?
  
• 10:02am: WTF? I have to pay for the fitness centre? And there's no mini-fridge in my room! I guess that does make a sort of evil business sense... they want everybody to spend time on the casino floor.
  
• 10:51am: The inside of the pyramid part of the Luxor is pretty sweet. I like all the detail on the walls... although the giant Christmas wreathes, although festive, seem a little out of place.
• 11:15am: "The Hotel" @Mandalay Bay. Very modern, very posh... classy. Stands out from the cheap themes I've seen thus far, although it does make me feel a little underdressed
• 11:39am: Daaaaaammmmnnn.... waitresses on the Mandalay casino floor don't wear low-low skirts, it's like they where no skirts at all! What happened to all the class? I'm not complaining about all the ass.
  
• (out of memory on my phone)
• I remember being ready to puke after another binge at the Sahara's all-you-can-eat buffet. The look on that smug server's face was worth it, though.
• I remember being disappointed with the Ballagio's washrooms. "You expect me to manually use the toilet seat covers?"
  
• I remember attending a few free shows. Nothing overly spectacular... Cirque, Copperfield, and Seinfeld were all in town, but what's a poor Canadian boy to do?
• Hit the tables! Down $40 by end of the night (didn't brake even, not even once)
  
• Dec 28
• 10:01am: Thanks to the bus-boy for the directions. I would have tipped you, but... you see... I'm a cheap bastard.
• 10:44am: I like how the busses have a ticker that displays the current date and time when the "next stop" line hasn't been pulled.
• 11:28am: The Nintendo DS is out of stock EVERYWHERE! I want my friggin' DS... for a cheap American price (Go, go exchange rate and low American taxes)
• 11:40am: If you don't have a product in stock, you shouldn't have a row of boxes out as if you did. That's just mean!
• 11:41am: You heard me. You suck, Gamestop!
• 12:10am: Chaos on the bus! You go, girl! Stick it to da man!
• (out of memory on my phone)
• I remember lots of Krispy Kreme donuts
  
• I remember losing big at the tables this night
  
• I remember having fun in Georgia
  
• I remember thinking Vegas looks alot better with your beer glasses on
  
  
• Didn't take any notes for the rest of the trip, but basically it was filled with more all-you-can-eat buffets, free shows, and painfully long walks (thank the Lord for outdoor escalators).
  
• On a semi-related note: Don't bother with the "non-smoking" tables, you're going to smoke second-hand anyways, and "Elf" is a surprisingly funny movie.
  

Vegas log book ... part 2

Alright, I scribbled down some of my observations during my time in Vegas, which I'll transcribe here.

• Dec 26 - Morning
  
• It's too early... who's idea was it to get on a flight that leaves at 8am?
• LAX sucks
• Especially their shuttle service
• There are lots of black people employed at LAX (not related to the "sucks" comment)
• Lineups to go through the metal detector I do understand. Why I got sent to the LONG line I don't (related to the "sucks" comment)
• Just my luck, the hot chick sitting next to me is on her honeymoon... so in order to sit next to her hubby, she trades her seat with this big fat guy.
  
• 1st thing I see when I get off the plane in Vegas... slot machines in the airport. NICE!
• $7 for a BK meal? Seven AMERICAN dollars?!
  
• Note to cab driver: If I pretend like I'm asleep, DON'T TALK TO ME!
  
• First impression upon seeing the strip: "Sin City? More like cheap, gaudy city"
• First impression upon seeing room at the Excalibur: "... are you sure?"
• Escalators outside?! The dream has come true!
  
• Damn, porn ads ARE being handed out and shown EVERYWHERE... getting closer to Sin City, but still not quite
  
• Note to cab driver 2: Thanks for the buffet tip. Although I think I'm going to gain 10 pounds in 5 days
• OMG... I'm going to throw up. (after a binge at the Boardwalk's all-you-can-eat buffet)
  
• Oooh... The McD's arch is decked out in rhinestones. Sparkly!
  
• Treasure Island didn't look that far... but it's fucking far!
• Stupid huge hotels distorting my sence of distance
  
  
• Dec 26 - Night
  
• The Strip looks a hell of a lot better at night
  
• Ballagio has a cool light/water show
• Oooh... the hydrants are silver!
• Wait... no they're not, they're yellow. It was just the light playing tricks on me. I'VE BEEN BAMBOOZLED!
  
• The Bat Signal! Holy inflated prices, Batman! (the Luxor emits a spotlight from atop it's pyramid)
• (blink)... all those palm trees are REAL?!
• Started with $100, end with $160 (at one point had over $200).
  

So that's basically the thoughts that went through my head the first day. I'll continue this later.

Vegas log book

Some people have asked for stories from my recent trip to Vegas. To them I say the stories aren't all that important because "since I was in another country, it doesn't count".

Let me make an attempt to explain the rationalisation behind this line of thinking, popularized by Friends (incidentally, the "Joey" spinoff blows... hard. They should have done a show based on Gunther :) ).

1. Travelling to another country typically involves crossing time zones.
   
   
2. When crossing a time zone, your sleep schedule is thrown off and adaptation must ensue.
   
   
3. Adaptation implies change
   
   
4. Change is difficult for the sleep deprived (and we all are sleep deprived)
   
   
5. The choices you make in this state can fall in one of two categories, poor decisions in efforts help you adapt and... poor decisions in general
   
   
6. Thus, decisions made when in a different time zone are inherently poor, not by the fault of the person, but more as a result of the circumstances
   
   
7. Ergo, when you're in another timezone, it doesn't count

Wait... Vancouver and Las Vegas are in the same time zone? There goes that excuse...

Different time zone (poor judgement) + Beer (poor judgement +) + Hot Georgia chick (poor judgement ++) = HOTT!

The wee hours of the night

Hypothesis: The hours of 3am to 4am do not exist.

Ever wake up to your alarm and think that it can't possibly be right? Or pull an all nighter and find that there just aren't enough hours in the night? Or party all night and be surprised when it's all over so soon?

If you have, that's because you have lost 1 hour of sleep each night. Through careful observation, I have determined that clocks are set to cycle every 23 hours instead of 24 which, after prolonged exposure, has created a sleep-deprived population, ripe for global domination. Now I'm not one to shout conspiracy, but...

"CONSPIRACY"!

Q: But if we lose 1 hour a day, wouldn't we reach a point where 12 noon is the middle of the night? Why then is it always sunny at this time?"

A: By the time you're 5 years old, you've already lost about 3 straight months worth of sleep. This sleep loss is exasperated over time and after so much lost sleep, can you really trust your senses?

Q: But there are night watchmen, people who's very livelihoods revolve around being awake and aware throughout the wee hours of the night; surely they would notice if the clocks lose an hour per night, right?"

A: Need I say it again? CONSPIRACY! Night watchmen lull the populace to sleep under a false sense of security. They also keep a vigil to make sure nobody is the wiser. Besides, night watchmen profit by being paid for an hour's worth of work that they don't have to do (since that hour doesn't really exist). That's a sweet deal, why would they screw themselves over.

It's an elaborate web of deceit expertly spun by watchmakers, night watchmen, and late night infomercial producers.

Q: Infomercial producers?

A: The watchmakers tamper with our clocks, the night watchmen lull the populace to sleep under a false sense of security as well as keep a vigil to make sure nobody is the wiser, and late night infomercials sap the coherent thought out of anybody else who may be awake during the "lost hours".

Q: What about Starbucks and all those other mega-corporations that thrive off of sales of coffee? Where do they fit in?

A: They are fighting the good fight against our evil clock-making oppressors. That there are people who would condemn Starbucks as an evil conglomerate is evidence of the ill-effects of sleep depravity.

--

Bottom line: After my trip to Las Vegas, I need more sleep.