I'm no poet

It festered and grew over months
Without warning it bubbled over, and so
I told you.
Revealing myself for a moment
You could see my naked truth, and then
you cut me
And kept a piece for yourself
And now you ask me to wait, to wait
on your reply
Something something yadda doo
To find the what the when the how, the if
I WILL DIE!!!

Ahh, the wonders of modern science. You can pop in for surgery after work and be out before the traffic cop fines your car, but have to wait three freaking weeks for them to play with coloured vials to find out what's going on.

Waiting half naked in a room for what seemed like forever? Uncomfortably comfortable

Local anesthesia that let me witness the doc cutting into me? Very cool

New scar? TBA after I remove the bandage... but assumedly super cool.

Results? Pending.

Egads

Egads. It's going down tomorrow. Putting it all on the line. I need to believe.

BELIEEEEEVE!

They both missed it

What do you want to be?

I don't know. As a kid I wanted to be lots of things. An astronaut, a cowboy, a ninja, a fireman, an author. But as of right now? I haven't the slightest idea.

Let's look at it another way. How about happy? Do you want to be happy?

Well, of course.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I mean, doesn't everybody?

Not necessarily. The way I see it, some people want to be happy while others want to be "not miserable".

What's the difference?

In one, you will actively pursue certain situations in hopes of success. In the latter, you will actively avoid situations in fear of failure. A subtle, but I think important difference. So I'll ask you again, and really think about it this time. Do you want to be happy?

That's quite a loaded question isn't it? I think you're overly simplifying things and drawing presumptuous conclusions again.

I think you're missing the point.

Which is?

... Do you want to be happy?

Dude, shut up.

Deja Vu

Ever do something that seemed to make sense at the time, but in hindsight was the opposite of what you wish you had done?

--

When I first started this blog, it was mainly for myself. A record of thoughts that I could reference in the future. An effort to learn about myself and see the subtle changes that occur over time.

In my last post, I flippantly remarked how my writings from 1997 had the same themes of my current writings. Today, I started writing an entry that seemed eerily similar to one I had written about 11 months ago (My hindsite is 20/80)

Similar, but thankfully not the same. At least not yet. And if I have any say in the matter, things will go different this time.

I believe.

Literary Devices

Rifled through my largish archive of paper last night looking for a past midterm for a friend. Found it, but also found a collection of my poetry from 1997.

Love lost/scorned/won and faux-exoteric ramblings were the main themes. Nice to know I haven't changed much in the last 8 years :P

The thought of posting a sampling crossed my mind, but I think I'll spare you the horror (and myself the embarrassment) unless you really, really want me to (I'm no mind reader, let me know).

On the plus side, it was mostly free-form poetry, which I would like to believe came from a degree of sophistication rather lack of rhyming ability.

Come to think of it, I was given a rhyming dictionary at the time. She said it was to encourage me to keep up my poetry, but maybe it was a hint to write better poetry.

Oh come on, I was 15, what do you expect?
Wait, she was a year younger than me, who was she to judge?
Oh come on, I'm 23, can't I just let it go?

--

I hope I never find my short stories collection that dates back even farther. I remember them as being quite good. I was even published once... kind of. Part of me assumes that if I were to read them today, I'd see myself as quite the hack.

Hmm... looks like I need a little help believing.

Misguided Interpretations

• Richness of medium.

A picture is worth a thousand words. And face-to-face contact is worth so much more. Or rather than "worth" so much more, perhaps I should say "can mean" so much more. Just as the written word can have multiple and hidden meanings in the hands of an adept scribe, so too does face-to-face contact. Body language, tone, and other subtle signals can communicate so much more. But in this process, do messages get confused amidst all the signals? How do you separate the noise from the signal?

Noise is inherent in all communications. Vocal and behavioural ticks and overtones are typically much more difficult to convey in written communications than in person.

Acknowledging this, we need to take into account the medium as well as the audience in all communications in order to deliver a clear message. But what if you want to be subtle and possibly misunderstood? That's fine. But you should still take heed of the medium and audience so that you come off the way you intend.

• Intent.

Does intent matter? Or is it inconsequential to the actual deed? I would put intent secondary to the actual deed.

I only care about why you did it or did not do it after you did it or did not do it.

You dig?

Discussions

Quote of the day:

"Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities."
- Aldous Huxley

I interpret this quote to mean that you shouldn't chase happiness, you should discover it. Happiness in itself is quite a lofty and vague goal. If you can't see the finish line, how are you going to get to it? By chasing after it blindly, you may unknowingly run right by it.

But enough of allusions and metaphors, let's get down to the nitty gritty (sorry).

If you have already discovered what will make you happy, chase it. Chase it with all your might.

--

Speaking of discoveries, had a discussion about art recently. Talked of how artistic technique can be divided into two schools that we termed "expression" and "discovery".

Maybe I'll tell you about it sometime.

Watch this movie (Serenity)

As some of you may know, I am a huge FireFly fan and I loved the movie (Serenity). For those of you who haven't watched Serenity yet, here's a link for the first 9 minutes of the movie. I hope that it will pique your interest. And if you can't find anybody to go to the theatre with you, I'm not adverse to seeing it for a second time.

Although I've been bursting at the seems for a while, wanting to chat somebody up about the movie, I will continue to refrain from posting any spoilers on this blog. Call me up or msg me if you want to talk Serenity, because I certainly do. (I'm like a leaf in the wind... [sniff])

I will however raise some issues I have with the marketing of this movie. Put quite plainly, it sucked.

Edit: Moved rant to comments section. I don't like long posts. And no, I'm not subtley trying to get people to post comments; I'm trying to artificially increase my site hit numbers :P

So to end this overly long post, watch this movie. I guarentee it's better than the trailer implies. Previous knowledge of the tv show is not required for enjoyment, although it would make certain scenes more powerful.

Curby's Believe It or Not

Belief.

A strong belief in something, no matter what it may be, can be a great source of strength. If you watch people who have a strong belief in something, you will be amazed at the feats they are able to do in the name of that belief. Putting a man on the moon, uniting and/or overthrowing nations, even achieving celebrity-status could not have been done if somebody did not truly believe in something, whether an ideal, a goal, or a person.

But what happens when the foundations of your belief are shaken? Does your strength wane? Do you irrationally try to justify your belief? Have you now lost your strength and direction, wandering aimlessly now until you can renew your belief in something else? None of these scenarios is particularly ideal.

Following this way of thinking, one may want to put their belief to only that which is irrefutable, or that which if happens prove to be false... well... things would suck so much that wandering aimlessly doesn't seem like such a bad idea.

So what are these things that we can put undying faith in? How about yourself? Descartes' A Discourse on the Method talks of how when all uncertainties are removed, all that remains is yourself as a thinking... thing.

"I think therefore I am"

If you believe in yourself - truly and wholey believe in yourself, your existence, your worth - you will be able to accomplish amazing things by drawing on strength that can never be taken away from you.

Believe it.

Oh sh--!

You're a diaper.

Excuse me?

You're a diaper.

Alright... And how does that work?

You said that you'd support and help me whenever I came across a load that I couldn't handle myself.
You promised me no leaks; you said I could trust you with anything.
You promised to luvs me and said you would pampers me with huggies.
But now in the end I find that you are just full of shit.

True, I am just about full of your shit.

Add ice to salsa and a dash of vagueness

So after years of talk, I finally had my first salsa lesson from Karen last night. Had fun. Doing it again.

The goal? Eventually rid my inhibitions and work my way up to the hip-hugging goodness of bachata.

Art galleries, orchestras, and dancing... what's happening to me?

In other news, CANUCKS WON THEIR SEASON OPENER BABY!

[ahem]

In yet other news, I wrote a short essay on confusion that arises from attempts of subtlety. Then I deleted it. I decided that aside from the stated message of differing interpretations necessitating clarity in communication, my ulterior message was, ironically, too subtle.

So in plain language I'll say it.

Only a part of me doesn't want to lose.

(Irony!)

Remixed Movie Trailers

I don't know how some people can claim that The Shining is one of the best horror flicks around. It looks like a family friendly movie to me.

On the other hand, I'd say the frightful streets in West Side Story seems like a new take on zombie movies while Titanic is a standard horror flick.

(Apparently, all three come from "an assistants competition in recutting a trailer of a movie in a different genre". I've traced the links back to this blog (see Sept 29, and Sept 26). So credit where credit's due)

Bruce Lee & Cat Fights

Have you seen Bruce Lee's 1964 screen test? Dizzamn! Too fast for the camera!

Random Bruce Lee fact: Bruce Lee was the Cha Cha Champion of Hong Kong in 1958. He worked part time as a Cha Cha instructor for a short time when he returned to San Francisco in April 1959.

--

Kitten War! How can you people say dogs are better than cats?


The wonderful thing about Tiggers, is that Tiggers are wonderful things...


"I'd like it wrapped up, please"

New record?

Three days.

They say "nothing lasts forever," I know that and I'm fine with that. But who would have thought three bloody days (and 5 hours).

Fucking eh, eh? Eh.

Entertainment Value

There's a new Grow puzzle game over at Eyemaze called Grow Cube. Took me about 30 minutes to solve it, but I was loved it every second. I blogged about other Eyemaze puzzle games previously.

Speaking of games, I'm an adventure game junkie and one that I'm particularly looking forward to is Indigo Prophesy (AKA Fahrenheit outside of North America). Played the demo, and I'm very intrigued.

Still on the topic of awesome stuff, Serenity is coming out on Friday September 30th. It apparently continues the story of one of my all time favourite TV series, Firefly (which Fox in its infinite wisdom cancelled after showing only nine episodes out of sequence).

Let me make this clear now: If this movie isn't a resounding box office hit, and I find out that you did not pay for a movie ticket to go watch this movie, I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND GUT YOU IN REEVER-LIKE FASHION! No power in the 'verse can stop me!

If you ask nicely, I may lend out my DVD version of the series.

And if you can sing the song of the Hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne, forgive me if I say I think you're awful shiney and want to bear your man babies.

(Hooray for Firefly references!)

Teach a man to fish...

I keep talking to others about how you should not expect change to occur overnight, yet I'm guilty of doing the same. I suppose what I should be preaching is that only expecting change does very little to enact change. If you want the change to happen, you should be proactive about it; meet it head on.

-- Posted May 2, 2005 (link)

I don't need a helping hand so much as I need motivation. I know this. I want this. Yet I don't do it.

Could it be I don't exactly know how?

Somebody teach me to fish.

* * * * *

Why do you like dirty things?

It's not dirty, it's "rustic". I think it's cool.

Given a little more thought, a rustic appearance gives me the feeling that it's been lived in... used, if you will. As if it had a purpose, fulfilled it, and is now taking a well deserved rest from the pristine regulations and requirements that previously commanded it. I suppose I see it as the symbolic representation of an ideal progression through the various phases of life.

Where others see dirt and rust, I see analogies and opportunities for self-righteous philosophying.

I believe I've partaken of this fish too often; I need to learn to catch another kind.

Deliberate Deliberations

I'm tired.

You're always tired, man.

Yeah, but not for much longer, though. I think I'm started to get tired of it.

Get tired of what?

Of getting tired.

What?

Don't you ever get tired of being tired? You know... so tired of being tired all the time that you instead start to be energized?

Dude... what?

It's like when I get tired of eating Fruit Loops all the time, I'll switch to Raisin Bran or Frosted Flakes. I figure once I get tired of being tired, I'll switch to being energized.

Do you even listen to yourself speak anymore?

Of course, I suppose I'll eventually get tired of being energized and move on to being angry or irritated... maybe even switching back to tired if the others don't work out. Don't mess with what works, that's what they say, right?

Do you ever get tired of being a jerk-wad?

... Sometimes.

Crazy going slowly am I

Ever feel like just going crazy? Just because?

I feel like running down the street, greeting people with "Porkchop" and asking them, "Have your fingers ever tasted a cylindrical song that is quite tightly yellow?"

I imagine some people may look at me funny, or try not to look at me at all. While others would ask what is wrong with me.

To which I would reply, "Fish"

Then may then proceed to point at various things that my eye stumbles upon and rename their colours with words like "blellow", "grink", and "foosball".

I imagine that I would be quite fond of the colour, "foosball".

Foosball. Ever say a word so much that it loses meaning? Foosball. Foooooooosball.

Inner Monologue Exposé!

Sometimes people ask me what's on my mind. I usually reply with a "nothing, really" or a "don't worry about it."

Here are a few thoughts that passed through my head this last week:

Watching TV:

I hate Tweety Bird. I hate Tweety Bird with a passion and the only reason I watched Looney Toons as a child was for the small glimmer of a dream that Sylvester would finally get his paws on Tweety and him shut up for good.

On the road:

If I swerve off the road... would that shut him up? No, his bitching would probably just get worse.

Unless it's such a fantastic collision that at least one of us bites it. Then either he won't be able to talk or I won't be able to listen!

Genius!

Wait a minute... what if we both bite it and I end up listening to him for all eternity?

...

Better not risk it.

Over dinner:

I wonder if jamming this chopstick in my ear would be too subtle of a hint.

Over another dinner:

Don't stare at her breasts, don't stare at her breasts, don't stare at her breasts, don't stare at her breasts, don't stare at her breasts, don't stare at her breasts, don't stare at her breasts, don't stare at her breasts, don't stare at her breasts...

...

Okay, just a quick peek...

Rollerblading the seawall:

If I were a piece of wood, what kind of wood would I be?

Moving day:

[Rocking out to various songs in my head]

Is someone getting the best,
the best, the best, the best of you
(Best of You - Foo Fighters)

Mr. Jones and me tell each other fairy tales
and we stare at the beautiful women
She's looking at you...
Oh no no she looking at me
(Mr Jones - Counting Crows)

Dream on, Dream on, Dream on, Dream on,
Dream on, Dream on, Dream on, AAAHHHHHhhhHhhHHhhHhh!
(Dream On - Aerosmith)

At work:

...
...
...

I'm really not that bright or interesting.

Double Entendres of Ordered Randomness

I'm
missing the point? yeah, that happens.
Something has changed and Not for the better,
maybe
it's Nothing but
you should always read between the lines.