Moving On Up

As of 5 minutes ago the following points have been decided:

1. Will quit my current job (the world's local bank)
   
2. Will work a new job as Business Consultant (big blue)
   
3. Will be packing my bags for the T dot (damn you Shawn Desmond!)
   

Well, I'll just be in Toronto for a week for training. But if I say it like that, there's not as much dramatic tension.

And we all know I'm all about the drama.

I haven't seriously doodled since highschool

(Click the pictures for a larger image)

update: 1:19am - added links for absurdly ginormous sketches that nobody in their right mind should want to download.

I don't watch TV anymore, I just have it on the background while I doodle:


Ceramic figure (while watching Veronica Mars)
Ginormous sketch (ceramic figure)


Me and the brother. Vancouver 1983. (also while watching Veronica Mars)
Ginormous sketch (Bruce @ 1 year old)

I don't work either. I just sketch:


Sympathetic figure on the donation can on my counter at work.
Ginormous sketch (Child donation mascot)

(Don't have the can on me so can't do a comparison pic. I'll try to snap a picture next time I'm at work)

(That number in the corner? Part of one of the many bank account numbers and other data I have to jot down throughout the day. Why there's no copy-paste function in the software is beyond me.)


Picture in the HSBC Mastercard application pamphlet. (My favourite of the bunch)
Ginormous sketch (Child & Mother)


Another picture in the HSBC Mastercard application pamphlet. (The most popular of the bunch among people who've seen my recent sketches)
Ginormous sketch (Bridge)


And yet another picture in the HSBC Mastercard application pamphlet.
Ginormous sketch (Island)

A wet sack of crazy!

Do people change? Sure. But not very quickly. At least, real change deep down doesn't happen overnight. Superficial change happens all the time.

It's like trying to dye an onion.

Sure, you can change the surface colour easy enough, but peel back a layer and you see the change was only surface deep. Changing the whole takes a considerable amount of time. When talking of people, I imagine we're talking years.

If you want to change your life, you have to change both inside and out. Change how you think, and change how you act. The key here being the ability to change how you think, not just what you think.

What I think changes all the time. Sometimes it only takes a second. Changing how I think, I imagine, would be a much more profound and life-altering endevour.

(Which begs the question of why you would want your life altered... but that's a whole other jar of nutella.)

If you've always been a heavy thinker, try being more spontaneous. If you've always been quick to act, try being quick to think instead. I've always been a (hypocritical) advocate of change, as I believe there is so much more to learn and experience from new situations compared to old situations slightly altered.

10 years of experience is vastly different from 1 year 10 times over.

In my case, I have always been self-consious of how others think. Now I say fuck it. You suck and I won't care anymore.

I will be the second biggest wet sack of crazy you've ever seen.

The year in review

Test post follows...

"You need to re-evaluate your priorities."

Ironically, this statement has an underlying assumption that you had, at one point, evaulated your priorities in the first place.

Popular wisdom dictates that residing at the top of your priorities list should be your family, your career, and your future; not necessarily in that order. Of course your "future" generally consists of your family and your career. What happened to your dreams? Your desires, your wants, your drive?

My dreams always consisted of me being overwhelmed by an unrelenting horde of spiders. Make of that what you will.

-- First blog post. November 16, 2004

It's recently come to my attention that this blog has recently passed the one year mark with neither fanfare nor introspection.

So the year in review:

Word of the year? Transition.

I realize that I'm in a transitionary phase of my life right now in all aspects. From social relationships, to academics, to careers, to beliefs. In all these respects, I've witnessed an ending of sorts in the last year. In all these respects, I am witnessing hints of new beginnings.

But part of me realises that it's not really a new beginning. It's just a transition. Meaning it's the same, yet different. If it sounds like I'm being vague, that's because I am. Let's see if I'm going somewhere with this.

A new beginning would imply that there had been nothing prior to that point, or at least, nothing pertinent. A fresh start, if you will. But events DID happen before, and to ignore or dismiss them would be foolish. Instead, what you do is continuously build upon them. The transition phase comes into play when you change your building pattern.

Clear as mud? I'm afraid that's as good as it's going to get at this point.

I'm still in transition.

--Transition--

I had existed in complacency for a while. This summer I shook things up a little with various flights, fancies, and flops. I've never felt so wonderful yet miserable at the same time.

I have been unknowingly forming the mold from which to shape my next phase in life. That is a scary thought because as time passes, it grows more difficult to break out of the mold. I want to know what kind of mold I'm creating before I step into it.

-- Transition --

For a while, I lived for others. I had a sense of purpose, but was miserable.

For a while, I lived for myself. I had fun, but found this reckless abandonment of accountability and responsibility to be unfullfilling.

For a while, I tried to live with a balance. Respect for both myself and others. I just got confused and unproductive.

Now, I realize there are other ways to live. Other choices to be made. It's not an either-or world we live in. The current limit on our choices is our imagination.

Mine seems to be fizzing out.

-- Transition --

Of all my bloggings, very few are written with the intention of another person reading it. Well... that's not really true. Let me put it another way. Very few were written with the intention that another person will fully understand it.

In fact, a lot of the time I don't even fully understand it.

edit: I'm just a big ol' wet sack, aren't I? A wet sack of crazy! Wackawackawackawacka

The week in review

Saturday - promises
Made a promise.

Promises. There are two phrases that I am very careful about using. Their meanings are very specific to me and carry a lot of baggage with them. One of these phrases is "I promise you".

I don't make promises lightly and when I do, it is with the full intension to keep them. I'm just forgetful sometimes, is all.

Sunday - marriage
Got away from the kids and spent some time with the wife. Oh those triplets, love them to death, but they'll be the death of me.

Ever commit to something, then when the time comes you say "Oh HELL no!" Yeah, it happens.

And congrats to the lucky couple. Apparently "marriage" is the word of the day.

Monday - drinking pains
Busy at work when when all of a sudden at 1:10pm, "Oww... wtf is this? Oww!"

I only remember having this feeling one other time in my life. So whatever causes it must be very special. The thought then is that if it can cause inexorable pain, does it not possess the ability to do the opposite and cause the heart-bursting levels of joy?

It's a logical falacy. But I think I understand now.

Picked up the phone; decided to make the effort. Then figured the effort was too much and half-assed it.

And for the last time, no I was not drunk tonight... well, I had a nightcap, but that was later on.

Tuesday - wtf x 2
Finishing up a bowl of Bun Bo Hue at 5:55pm... it strikes again. An open window, the Art Institute of Seattle, The Ellen Degeneres Show... wtf is going on?!

Drinking only made it worse. Funny thing? I think I liked it when it got worse. At least it was something, you know?

Amazing cup of hot chocolate.

Wednesday - respect
You have none, yet demand it anyways.

I'm still young gorram it!

I'm beginning to wonder if I have any myself.

Thursday - growth
Free lift tickets at Grouse! Of course, it can't be that simple and they have to run out of both ski and snowboard boots in my size.

Wasn't all bad though. I found out that just like before, I'm still a sucker for a nice Aussie accent. The difference this time? I don't have the excuse of being in a different time zone.

Conversations. I still don't really understand it, but thanks for trying to explain it. I'm sure I'll get it someday. (Actually, I'm not so sure about that)

Took off the bandage. Instead of slapping another on and possibly creating a complication, let it go so that the wound can heal. I'm sure it'll leave a scar, but scars add character!

And so instead of giving in to tempations to regress, I made good on a promise; I picked up the phone.

Cheers

Making you way in the world today
takes everything you've got,
Taking a break from all your worries
sure would help a lot,
Wouldn't you like to get away?

Best TV show theme song in the world.

When I want to get away, where do I go? High up on the mountain tops to play in the snow.

Numbers

14
days until test results come in

9
days until job hunt progress is revealed / days since I made the decision... I think

4.95
dollars under my credit card limit for this month

2
opposing scenarios that I really don't have time for

1
time for your mind, two times if you're tense baby let it unwind

three counts let it bouce to da muthafucking ounce?

I'm no poet

It festered and grew over months
Without warning it bubbled over, and so
I told you.
Revealing myself for a moment
You could see my naked truth, and then
you cut me
And kept a piece for yourself
And now you ask me to wait, to wait
on your reply
Something something yadda doo
To find the what the when the how, the if
I WILL DIE!!!

Ahh, the wonders of modern science. You can pop in for surgery after work and be out before the traffic cop fines your car, but have to wait three freaking weeks for them to play with coloured vials to find out what's going on.

Waiting half naked in a room for what seemed like forever? Uncomfortably comfortable

Local anesthesia that let me witness the doc cutting into me? Very cool

New scar? TBA after I remove the bandage... but assumedly super cool.

Results? Pending.

Egads

Egads. It's going down tomorrow. Putting it all on the line. I need to believe.

BELIEEEEEVE!

They both missed it

What do you want to be?

I don't know. As a kid I wanted to be lots of things. An astronaut, a cowboy, a ninja, a fireman, an author. But as of right now? I haven't the slightest idea.

Let's look at it another way. How about happy? Do you want to be happy?

Well, of course.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I mean, doesn't everybody?

Not necessarily. The way I see it, some people want to be happy while others want to be "not miserable".

What's the difference?

In one, you will actively pursue certain situations in hopes of success. In the latter, you will actively avoid situations in fear of failure. A subtle, but I think important difference. So I'll ask you again, and really think about it this time. Do you want to be happy?

That's quite a loaded question isn't it? I think you're overly simplifying things and drawing presumptuous conclusions again.

I think you're missing the point.

Which is?

... Do you want to be happy?

Dude, shut up.

Deja Vu

Ever do something that seemed to make sense at the time, but in hindsight was the opposite of what you wish you had done?

--

When I first started this blog, it was mainly for myself. A record of thoughts that I could reference in the future. An effort to learn about myself and see the subtle changes that occur over time.

In my last post, I flippantly remarked how my writings from 1997 had the same themes of my current writings. Today, I started writing an entry that seemed eerily similar to one I had written about 11 months ago (My hindsite is 20/80)

Similar, but thankfully not the same. At least not yet. And if I have any say in the matter, things will go different this time.

I believe.

Literary Devices

Rifled through my largish archive of paper last night looking for a past midterm for a friend. Found it, but also found a collection of my poetry from 1997.

Love lost/scorned/won and faux-exoteric ramblings were the main themes. Nice to know I haven't changed much in the last 8 years :P

The thought of posting a sampling crossed my mind, but I think I'll spare you the horror (and myself the embarrassment) unless you really, really want me to (I'm no mind reader, let me know).

On the plus side, it was mostly free-form poetry, which I would like to believe came from a degree of sophistication rather lack of rhyming ability.

Come to think of it, I was given a rhyming dictionary at the time. She said it was to encourage me to keep up my poetry, but maybe it was a hint to write better poetry.

Oh come on, I was 15, what do you expect?
Wait, she was a year younger than me, who was she to judge?
Oh come on, I'm 23, can't I just let it go?

--

I hope I never find my short stories collection that dates back even farther. I remember them as being quite good. I was even published once... kind of. Part of me assumes that if I were to read them today, I'd see myself as quite the hack.

Hmm... looks like I need a little help believing.

Misguided Interpretations

• Richness of medium.

A picture is worth a thousand words. And face-to-face contact is worth so much more. Or rather than "worth" so much more, perhaps I should say "can mean" so much more. Just as the written word can have multiple and hidden meanings in the hands of an adept scribe, so too does face-to-face contact. Body language, tone, and other subtle signals can communicate so much more. But in this process, do messages get confused amidst all the signals? How do you separate the noise from the signal?

Noise is inherent in all communications. Vocal and behavioural ticks and overtones are typically much more difficult to convey in written communications than in person.

Acknowledging this, we need to take into account the medium as well as the audience in all communications in order to deliver a clear message. But what if you want to be subtle and possibly misunderstood? That's fine. But you should still take heed of the medium and audience so that you come off the way you intend.

• Intent.

Does intent matter? Or is it inconsequential to the actual deed? I would put intent secondary to the actual deed.

I only care about why you did it or did not do it after you did it or did not do it.

You dig?

Discussions

Quote of the day:

"Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities."
- Aldous Huxley

I interpret this quote to mean that you shouldn't chase happiness, you should discover it. Happiness in itself is quite a lofty and vague goal. If you can't see the finish line, how are you going to get to it? By chasing after it blindly, you may unknowingly run right by it.

But enough of allusions and metaphors, let's get down to the nitty gritty (sorry).

If you have already discovered what will make you happy, chase it. Chase it with all your might.

--

Speaking of discoveries, had a discussion about art recently. Talked of how artistic technique can be divided into two schools that we termed "expression" and "discovery".

Maybe I'll tell you about it sometime.

Watch this movie (Serenity)

As some of you may know, I am a huge FireFly fan and I loved the movie (Serenity). For those of you who haven't watched Serenity yet, here's a link for the first 9 minutes of the movie. I hope that it will pique your interest. And if you can't find anybody to go to the theatre with you, I'm not adverse to seeing it for a second time.

Although I've been bursting at the seems for a while, wanting to chat somebody up about the movie, I will continue to refrain from posting any spoilers on this blog. Call me up or msg me if you want to talk Serenity, because I certainly do. (I'm like a leaf in the wind... [sniff])

I will however raise some issues I have with the marketing of this movie. Put quite plainly, it sucked.

Edit: Moved rant to comments section. I don't like long posts. And no, I'm not subtley trying to get people to post comments; I'm trying to artificially increase my site hit numbers :P

So to end this overly long post, watch this movie. I guarentee it's better than the trailer implies. Previous knowledge of the tv show is not required for enjoyment, although it would make certain scenes more powerful.

Curby's Believe It or Not

Belief.

A strong belief in something, no matter what it may be, can be a great source of strength. If you watch people who have a strong belief in something, you will be amazed at the feats they are able to do in the name of that belief. Putting a man on the moon, uniting and/or overthrowing nations, even achieving celebrity-status could not have been done if somebody did not truly believe in something, whether an ideal, a goal, or a person.

But what happens when the foundations of your belief are shaken? Does your strength wane? Do you irrationally try to justify your belief? Have you now lost your strength and direction, wandering aimlessly now until you can renew your belief in something else? None of these scenarios is particularly ideal.

Following this way of thinking, one may want to put their belief to only that which is irrefutable, or that which if happens prove to be false... well... things would suck so much that wandering aimlessly doesn't seem like such a bad idea.

So what are these things that we can put undying faith in? How about yourself? Descartes' A Discourse on the Method talks of how when all uncertainties are removed, all that remains is yourself as a thinking... thing.

"I think therefore I am"

If you believe in yourself - truly and wholey believe in yourself, your existence, your worth - you will be able to accomplish amazing things by drawing on strength that can never be taken away from you.

Believe it.

Oh sh--!

You're a diaper.

Excuse me?

You're a diaper.

Alright... And how does that work?

You said that you'd support and help me whenever I came across a load that I couldn't handle myself.
You promised me no leaks; you said I could trust you with anything.
You promised to luvs me and said you would pampers me with huggies.
But now in the end I find that you are just full of shit.

True, I am just about full of your shit.

Add ice to salsa and a dash of vagueness

So after years of talk, I finally had my first salsa lesson from Karen last night. Had fun. Doing it again.

The goal? Eventually rid my inhibitions and work my way up to the hip-hugging goodness of bachata.

Art galleries, orchestras, and dancing... what's happening to me?

In other news, CANUCKS WON THEIR SEASON OPENER BABY!

[ahem]

In yet other news, I wrote a short essay on confusion that arises from attempts of subtlety. Then I deleted it. I decided that aside from the stated message of differing interpretations necessitating clarity in communication, my ulterior message was, ironically, too subtle.

So in plain language I'll say it.

Only a part of me doesn't want to lose.

(Irony!)

Remixed Movie Trailers

I don't know how some people can claim that The Shining is one of the best horror flicks around. It looks like a family friendly movie to me.

On the other hand, I'd say the frightful streets in West Side Story seems like a new take on zombie movies while Titanic is a standard horror flick.

(Apparently, all three come from "an assistants competition in recutting a trailer of a movie in a different genre". I've traced the links back to this blog (see Sept 29, and Sept 26). So credit where credit's due)

Bruce Lee & Cat Fights

Have you seen Bruce Lee's 1964 screen test? Dizzamn! Too fast for the camera!

Random Bruce Lee fact: Bruce Lee was the Cha Cha Champion of Hong Kong in 1958. He worked part time as a Cha Cha instructor for a short time when he returned to San Francisco in April 1959.

--

Kitten War! How can you people say dogs are better than cats?


The wonderful thing about Tiggers, is that Tiggers are wonderful things...


"I'd like it wrapped up, please"