[Rant] The 7 Habits of Highly Effective CSR's (or, "Would you like some bread sticks, too?")

Is it too much to ask for people not to half-ass their jobs?

When ordering a pizza, I've become annoyed with the CSR's too such a point where I'm sure there are nasty comments on my file. Call me crazy if it's not reasonable to expect a modicum of competency from people who's sole job is to answer the fucking phone.

In the past, I worked at a Pizza chain's call centre for three years. I heard it all; the horror stories CSR's have to tell about customers are endless and, sadly, mostly true. However, it goes both ways. While you can get a bad customer, there are also lots of poor CSR's out there.

Here's a few tips on how to be a decent CSR and not have customers bitching at you.

1) Don't answer the phone as if it's a terrible inconvenience.

Pardon me if I interrupted your reading time or your card game with the CSR next to you. Your job is to take calls, dingus. Your supervisor (should) have told you, "You can hear a smile through a phone," and believe it or not, it's not just corporate bullshit, it's true. Speech tones are infectious, so if you sound nice and helpful, chances are the customer on the other end will try to do the same. (Hmm... on that note, maybe I shouldn't have called you a dingus.)

2) LISTEN to what the customer on the line says.

If I ask what specials you have tonight, I don't want to have to give you my phone number and address before you answer my question. I understand that the order taking system you use may require that information before actually placing the order, but that's no reason for not being able to answer simple questions that have nothing to do with delivery time or price.

Also, if I order a pizza with capicollo and sun-dried tomatoes, that's what I want. If I end up getting a pizza with capicollo and diced tomatoes, I'm not a happy customer.

3) Know what you're talking about

If I ask you what size your large pizza is, your next sentence shouldn't start with "I think..." and it sure as hell better not have a "maybe" in it. While thinking is fine, guessing is not. If you don't know it off the top of your head, a simple "If you give me a moment I can find out," (with the intention of following through on it) can do wonders. "It depends," accompanied by a (mandatory) quantifying phrase is also acceptable.

4) Don't leave me in the dark

If it's going to take a minute or two to find the information to answer my question or process my order, tell me.

If you're going to put me on hold for over 5 minutes, tell me.

If there's a way to make things go smoother for both you and me, tell me.

If your quoted price doesn't include delivery, taxes, or other charges, tell me.

If you're going to call me back, tell me. Especially if the order won't go through until you get back in touch with me. It may be another number you need to dial to reach me, or the party/game/music may be too loud to hear the phone unless I'm expecting it.

Related to this, we have the fifth item...

5) Don't pass the buck

If you don't tell me that you're going to call me back, and you can't reach me because I turned off my phone or some other such business, who's fault is that? Any CSR worth her/his salt would not say it's the customer's. Did you tell me you were going to call back? Did you confirm the phone number? And when did the 30 minutes or less timer start? Common sense would indicate that, unless indicated otherwise, it starts exactly the moment you said it. Not 2 minutes after the call back confirmation.

And if I call back to complain about this or anything else, don't imply that it's my fault, don't say it's some other CSR, or the because of the computer. Just make strides to fix my problem. Chances are, I'm more interested in a resolution than playing the blame game.

6 & 7) Do your fucking job

It's your gad-damned job. You voluntarily applied for this job. Please, have some self-respect, pride, and common sense to do your job well. If not for my benefit or the benefit of the customers, then for yourself. It can make customers more helpful and your job easier. A good recommendation and employment history can result as well.

And if not to better yourself, then do the above to spite all those idiot customers you're bound to get. If I never hear somebody ask the price for a 2 topping pizza, then order a 4 topping specialty pizza and complain why it's more expensive than the price I quoted, it'll be too soon.

Or people trying to redeem coupons that they don't really have.

Or customers who think they're so smart and knowledgeable about the system.

God, customers piss me off.

(I'm aware of the irony!)